Sunk deep.

Coming live to you from struggle central!

– woke up before 9AM and called the health service to make my second emergency appointment of the past five days
– did not engage with any social media checking
– took nice photos of Hugo as it’s his last day of classes and he looked especially, especially gorgeous
– was okay alone at Hugo’s, tidied things up and made the bed and sorted laundry
– met Hugo after his class, had a pot of tea and slice of vegan cake, and ordered without my world falling apart, without worrying about money, without worrying full stop
– made it to my appointment, and was calm and spoke honestly. Only got upset once, and at the end.
– didn’t respond and stayed calm when some cuts were described as ‘superficial’. Because that’s a medical term, not an adjective that has a value judgement hanging off it.
– was calm and nice with the nurse, calm about the paper stitches, calm about having to come in on Thursday to have dressings changed and the wounds assessed. Calm thinking about not being able to go to the gym, though not utterly convinced.
– calm about my assessment with a community worker mental health nurse person next week, calm about meeting my personal tutor (also the head of department) next week to discuss what’s happening
– went to my department, talked to the administrator, filled out forms, made rational decisions in terms of staggering deadlines and listened and also took her advice.
– I walked home fine, and tried not to think too much about my bare but bandaged legs, my short skirt, and the very strong wind.
– I skipped songs that were not good for me, no Bright Eyes today.
– I got home and worked very hard to stay calm and not think about Saturday. I did some tidying, and then packed and labelled all my parcels from my ebay sales.
– I walked to the post office and mailed everything off, with only minor help with some unruly tape
– I went to Tesco and bought exactly what I needed to buy
– I went to Sainsburys and bought exactly what I needed to buy
– I came home, marked everything as posted, relisted a couple things, and am now sitting here typing this.

What to do next:
– finish tidying: the kitchen first, then the room. I know full well how much better I function without clutter
– check in the whatsapp group if anyone’s coming back to the flat in the next two weeks, and if not, I’m going to set my sewing machine up in the kitchen as there’s far more space!
– check in with Nina and give her a solid explanation for my lack of communication the past few days, and check in with Heather because I adore her and I could use a fucking good laugh and talking to. If anyone can talk sense into me, it’s her and I love her. And if I can’t talk about this with anyone, she’s the exception.
– aim to make dinner! Remember to drink water, too. And aim to actually eat the dinner I make. Not just make it and put it in the fridge to mold.
– don’t make stupid social media choices, not right now.
– remember that I don’t have to be alone, I can call people, and I can choose now to be a time to catch up with people on skype too, if I need it.
– don’t talk about things that’ll fuck me right up again if I don’t have a plan in mind on how to deal with the repercussions. Face them at some point, but now is not the right time, just bury it, forget it for now, please, please. Please.

etc.

Hope y’all are well xx

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