Sunk deep.

Coming live to you from struggle central!

– woke up before 9AM and called the health service to make my second emergency appointment of the past five days
– did not engage with any social media checking
– took nice photos of Hugo as it’s his last day of classes and he looked especially, especially gorgeous
– was okay alone at Hugo’s, tidied things up and made the bed and sorted laundry
– met Hugo after his class, had a pot of tea and slice of vegan cake, and ordered without my world falling apart, without worrying about money, without worrying full stop
– made it to my appointment, and was calm and spoke honestly. Only got upset once, and at the end.
– didn’t respond and stayed calm when some cuts were described as ‘superficial’. Because that’s a medical term, not an adjective that has a value judgement hanging off it.
– was calm and nice with the nurse, calm about the paper stitches, calm about having to come in on Thursday to have dressings changed and the wounds assessed. Calm thinking about not being able to go to the gym, though not utterly convinced.
– calm about my assessment with a community worker mental health nurse person next week, calm about meeting my personal tutor (also the head of department) next week to discuss what’s happening
– went to my department, talked to the administrator, filled out forms, made rational decisions in terms of staggering deadlines and listened and also took her advice.
– I walked home fine, and tried not to think too much about my bare but bandaged legs, my short skirt, and the very strong wind.
– I skipped songs that were not good for me, no Bright Eyes today.
– I got home and worked very hard to stay calm and not think about Saturday. I did some tidying, and then packed and labelled all my parcels from my ebay sales.
– I walked to the post office and mailed everything off, with only minor help with some unruly tape
– I went to Tesco and bought exactly what I needed to buy
– I went to Sainsburys and bought exactly what I needed to buy
– I came home, marked everything as posted, relisted a couple things, and am now sitting here typing this.

What to do next:
– finish tidying: the kitchen first, then the room. I know full well how much better I function without clutter
– check in the whatsapp group if anyone’s coming back to the flat in the next two weeks, and if not, I’m going to set my sewing machine up in the kitchen as there’s far more space!
– check in with Nina and give her a solid explanation for my lack of communication the past few days, and check in with Heather because I adore her and I could use a fucking good laugh and talking to. If anyone can talk sense into me, it’s her and I love her. And if I can’t talk about this with anyone, she’s the exception.
– aim to make dinner! Remember to drink water, too. And aim to actually eat the dinner I make. Not just make it and put it in the fridge to mold.
– don’t make stupid social media choices, not right now.
– remember that I don’t have to be alone, I can call people, and I can choose now to be a time to catch up with people on skype too, if I need it.
– don’t talk about things that’ll fuck me right up again if I don’t have a plan in mind on how to deal with the repercussions. Face them at some point, but now is not the right time, just bury it, forget it for now, please, please. Please.


Hope y’all are well xx


Bath + Grillstock

For Valentine’s Day (yes, yes it is March now, thank you), my favorite man and I had a cute gallivant about Bath before heading down to his home town for a week.

Nothing like waking up to multiple cards and your favourite flowers x
Nothing like waking up to multiple cards and your favourite flowers x

As soon as we arrived we decided we were hungry, and conveniently right outside the station is the grill to end all grills. Or, at least, all British grills pretending to be proper grills. This place does the trick. Not only aesthetically pleasing with it’s corrugated archways (sorry, ‘vaults’), it just has that solid atmosphere: the atmosphere that says “yeah, yeah I like it here” and you smoosh yourself into the seat and decide to stay for dessert before you’ve actually looked at the menu.

Grillstock. We missed the lunchtime rush (a queue formed about 20 minutes after we’d sat down), and it’s obviously quite the go-to place. There were couples, families, some of the elderly blatantly disregarding their doctors. I was impressed price wise, which says a lot because I can’t normally stomach sit-down restaurant prices. Cheaper than TGIF, American style portion sizes, and far less fast-food-y than Five Guys. It’s a perfect combination of counter ordering and quick service, specialised food, and the restaurant experience. I ordered a smokestack burger with a side of mac and cheese and good lord was it worth it. If you’re feeling extra brave and empty inside, you can go for the ‘Grand Champion’, a six kilo gastronomic nightmare, destined to turn your insides into meaty mush. A marine-type was giving it a go a couple of tables away from us; I may or may not have made up excuses to walk past a couple times to track his progress. He got through half the rack, two burgers and one hot dog before calling it quits. Weak effort, my friend!

Plus the bathrooms yo. Any bathroom with its own speakers is an instant up-vote for me. See below to get a taste of those portion sizes!


And after stuffing ourselves senseless..

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Bath is incredibly picturesque. Seeped in history, lots of white stone and cobbled lanes, with the odd grassy square. And tourists. Oh, lots and lots of tourists. Actually worse than Oxford, I found – particularly as it was a) a Saturday and b) the first properly lovely day we’ve had this year. I actually took my jacket off at one point! A small miracle worthy of that exclamation mark.

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We beelined for the Royal Crescent, mostly so I could relive Persuasion and look out for Captain Wentworth. If you’re keen for a visit yourself, the Bath tourist website actually offers a fantastically put together map with popular film locations on it – it would be wonderfully easy to make up your own walking tour.

And as it was Valentine’s Day, I bullied the poor Hugo into taking some rather soppy photos with me!

Processed with VSCOcam with a6 preset Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetConsider this a catch up, pretend we’re sitting across from each other, each with a coffee. Much love, x

time out / hello again

yoga to do and kale to eat
smoothies to blend and outfits to tweet

depop to update, ebay to unfreeze
nice to stay ahead of the media craze

sales to make, money to save,
trips to go on,
time to escape.

an update in rubbish ‘poem’ form.

Happy days, all. It’s been a while. I’m notoriously rubbish at keeping even the closest of friends in my little loop, never mind a media platform.

I didn’t talk about Hugo’s birthday (February), Valentine’s Day (February), or my birthday (a week and a half ago). Very poor form indeed-y. Main things? I am very poor, which is usual; I have a sewing machine, which is new; and, well, that’s probably just about it. I had a very frustrating International Women’s day, but had a number of truly wonderful and stimulating gender-theory based classes in the days following, which was highly redeeming. My grades are quite good. Struggling to balance waning mental health with self care and academics, but it’s easier than before. Financial insecurity terrifies me, as does joblessness. The internship hunt is relentless. The fields that I’m interested in are so exclusive, so options seem limited. My to-do lists are becoming overwhelming, not helped by the fact that I’m struggling with tasks like getting dressed and doing dishes. Never mind calling up to get my national insurance number sorted, registering to vote, or saving an easy (haw haw) £600 pounds.

I didn’t mean to come on hear and have a whinge, but there you go. You get what you get. I’ve got 101 photos of recent make up looks, so tomorrow you’ll probably get all of them in one go and then not hear from me for another two months. Love ya, xx